Orange Opening
by KikaixUchihaItachi
Summary: Sisters Fuyu and Kikai Hitoame live w/ the akatsuki. Fuyu's hungry and she REALLY wants to eat one of those oranges her elder sister her just bought....but how DO you open an orange? do the Akatsuki even know how to?
1. how DO you open an orange?

i guess you could call it a crack fic?

SUMMARY -- Sisters Fuyu and Kikai Hitoame live w/ the akatsuki. Fuyu's hungry and she REALLY wants to eat one of those oranges her elder sister her just bought...but how DO you open an orange? one thing soon becomes clear...not even the akatsuki know how to

Kikai -- me

Fuyu -- my younger sister (she gave me the idea for this ff)

Enjoy!

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Fuyu stood in the kitchen of the Akatsuki lair, surrounded by a mountain of brown paper grocery bags. Kikai, her older sister -- as well as Itachi's girlfriend -- and herself had just gone shopping for the week. It wasn't long after they'd joined the Akatsuki that they found out that what looked like a month's worth of food only lasted about a week here. Seeing as there was a total of 12 people (including themselves) and 9 out of that total were men. Men who got a little _too_hungry after they trained and tended to eat any and all remaining food.

Fuyu sighed. All that work had gotten _her_ hungry and she knew there was a bag of oranges in one of those bags. She rummaged through quite a few, trying to remember what they'd packed them with. In th ninth -- but far form final -- bag, she found them.

"Yes!" she rejoiced. Now she looked down at the orange. "...now what?" she wondered out loud, "How _do_ you open an orange?"

Suddenly, Kikai burst into the kitchen. Her hair was down -- a rare sight -- and a tangled mess. Her clothes were screwed up and wrinkled, hanging loosely off her body. Fuyu eyed her suspiciously. She looked like she'd been sleeping, but she was strangely out of breath and a crooked and mischievous smile graced her lips. Fuyu raised her eyebrows and caught her sister's eyes. Instantly Kikai's smile disappeared and her expression was now annoyed.

"What?" Kikai sounded like she was in a rush to get back to something important.

"N-nothing. Never mind." Fuyu watched as her sister opened the fridge and took out a Sprite, popped it open, and gulped half of it. "Thirsty?" She teased.

"No, I just feel like chugging down some soda."she replied with teasing sarcasm and smiled.

"Training?" Fuyu asked out of curiosity.

"we were...at first." Kikai answered quickly wishing to get off the subject of what she'd been doing. Again, Fuyu raised her eyebrows as if to say 'we?'. Kikai rolled her eyes. "Itachi and I" She gulped down the last of the liquid.

"Ooh." Fuyu said, as if Kikai's last statement had explained everything.

"Oh, Shut up!" Kikai threw the empty soda can at her younger sister, who erupted in a fit of giggles. "It's none of your bussines !"

"Ok, ok." Kikai was about to leave when Fuyu stopped her, "Onee-san, wait! How do you open an orange?"

"An orange..." She looked at the bright blob, thinking for a minute, "Have you tried biting it?" She asked casually.

"Oh! Right!" But as soon as Fuyu attempted to pierce the tough skin of the orange with her teeth, a ripple of disgust went through her and she made a face that equaled her feeling. Kikai almost fell onto the floor laughing.

"Oh...my...god! I can't believe you _actually_ did that!" she said, still laughing. "Oh, god! That.was._hilarious_!" She wiped a tear fro her eye; she was still holding her stomach. "Actually, I **don't** know how to open an orange. Orokana imouto." Kikai started laughing again.

"Oh, gee...Thanks." Fuyu didn't find it all that funny, "ugh! ew!That was horrible! what'd they put on those, poison!?" Kikai tossed her a Sprite and opened another for herself. "You didn't secretly shake this, did you?" She teased.

"Just drink it." Kikai said smirking. As soon as they'd finished Kikai brought the orange subject back up. "Oi! maybe someone else knows how to open it...maybe 'danna does. C'mon!" She dragged her sister out to the hallway where they accidentally crashed into Sasori.

"Sasori-chaan!" Kikai almost sang.

"You know I dn't likebeing called that." Apparently the puppet master was taking a break from being in his puppets and was walking around as his actual red-haired self.

"Gomenasai SA-SO-RI NO DAN-NA" she teasingly emphasized all the syllables in his name "A-KA SU-NA NO SA-SO-RI we're back from town."

He ignored her typical crazy antics; that was normal after she'd been with Itachi for a few minutes. He couldn't figure out how the most reserved man in the Akatsuki could get this chick so strangely giddy. "Did you get what I asked you?"

"When don't I?" She reverted to talking normally.

"Wonderful. Now move. I need it to finish my latest puppet."

"Yeah, yeah. Great." Now Kikai was doing the ignoring, "Just, could you open Fu's orange?"

"I told you. I'm busy --"

"Do you _want_ to get me mad, 'danna? I was busy too. In fact _Itachi_ and I were _training_...OPEN IT." she demanded and when Fuyu snickered about her training she gave her a nasty glare -- shutting her up immediately -- then turned her deadly gaze at Sasori, who didn't argue. He stuck his hand out and Fuyu handed over her orange. Sasori tossed it up into the air and suddenly three blades popped out from each of his arms. Swiftly he cut the orange in perfect slices. Ye two sisters were just about to celebrate when...

"Now you may not want to eat it, all of my weapons _are_ covered in my custom poison." Kikai and Fuyu sweatdropped.

"Damn." They said in unison  
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	2. in which Zetsu and Deidara Help

"Zetsu will know!" Kikai had won back her confidence, but Fuyu was still a little skeptical.

"Are you sure? Isn't he part plan-" Fuyu gave up, seeing as Kikai had already found the man.

"Zetsu-chan! Open this orange." They had gotten a new orange from the kitchen. Kikai held it out, but Zetsu only stared at it.

"Why?" His question startled Kikai.

"W-why...?Uh, cuz Fuyu-chan wants to eat it?" She responded slowly.

"You plan on eating plant spawn?" He directed his question at Fuyu now.

Fuyu gulped and laughed nervously, fidgeting uncomfortably. "plant...spawn?"

"Yes. don't tell us you didn't know oranges contain seeds -- baby orange trees. Orange spawn" A different voice answered, although it still came from Zetsu. "If I open that for you I would be allowing you to devour a child."

Fuyu's face looked drained and maybe a little green. "Uh...Fu..? Let's go ask someone else..." Kikai grabbed the back collar of her sister's shirt and dragged her motionless body to go find someone a i little i more helpful.

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They sat at the kitchen table and Fuyu had just gotten over the 'orange spawn' incident. "Okay, so Saori and Zetsu weren't the i best i people to ask, but maybe someone else could--" she was interrupted when an angry blond man came bursting through the door and -- seemingly attached to his leg -- another man wearing an orange mask with a black swirl and only one eyehole. "DEIDARA!" Kikai exclaimed

"What!?!" He barked. Then, seeing who had called his name, changed his tone. "Oi, Kikai-chan. What is it?... You look like you were sleeping; your clothes are all messy...and your hair too."

"That's none of your business!" She snapped, hands on her hips. Deidara was slightly shocked in her tone change. i Touchy subject, un? i he decided he'd keep his mouth shut.

Fuyu fake coughed "Itachi." She 'coughed' again. An evil smirk ran across Deidara's face.

"Fu, I told you to shut it." She glared at Deidara and her sister blushing madly. "Orange spawn."

"meep!" Fuyu curled up into a ball and rocked back and forth.

"Dei, Fu needs you to open an orange, can ya?"

"Sure, sure." He took the orange from the older girl and before she could stop him, he'd made a small worm out of clay and it squeezed itself into the orange. Fuyu had recovered by now and she cocked her head, Tobi doing the same. They all stared at the orange.

"Uh, wait Dei! I-is it...are you gonna..." Kikai stuttered unable to word her worst fears. Deidara threw the orange into the air and made a single hand sign. "Oh, shi--" Kikai's swear was cut off by an explosion of orange. The fruit's guts covered all four of them. "...Deidara..." Kikai growled as she wiped remnants of orange pulp from her face. " i You i are going to clean this up . . . i now i ."

"YAY! Sempai made orange juice!" Tobi seemed oblivious to the current situation. "Will sempai make orange juice for Tobi?"

" NO SEMPAI WILL NOT MAKE ORANGE JUICE FOR TOBI!!!" Tobi's clueless-ness only got Deidara angier.

"Deidara! CLEAN!!" Kikai shouted as she once again dragged Fuyu out of the kitchen with a new orange...well actually the whole bag of oranges. The blond man sighed he and Tobi got to work scrubbing the kitchen orange free. Kikai could hear him already getting annoyed with Tobi.

They walked down the regularly dark hallways of the lair untill they closed door with light seeping out the bottom.

"Perfect." Kikai was glad she'd found someone. She was about to open the door when Fuyu interrupted.

"Onee-chan, isn't that rude? You shouldn't just barge in. What about the saying 'A closed door means privacy'?"

Kikai thought for a minute. "Never heard that saying." And besides there aren't any other girls here besides us. What are you thinking you little pervert, they're all guys. Straight guys. As in they like chicks. As in --"

"OK, ok i get it!" Fuyu stopped her again. "There's no privacy here, ne?"

"I would know firsthand." Kikai grumbled. Fuyu raised her eyebrows. "Shut up."

Kikai gave the handle a jiggle. locked. Het sister gave her a weary look and she just rolled her eyes. Kikai twisted as she lifted one foot from the ground and kicked the door, breaking the lock and throwing the door flying open.

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You may now await chptr 3! Kakuzu Hidan will be in it!!!...and uh let's say hidan and kikai have conflicting personalities...extremely conflicting


	3. Hidan vs Kikai

WARNING: this chapter will contain a LOT of swearing...well cuz it's Hidan...and like i said before Kikai Hidan don't get along that well...so now u've been warned.

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dont mind the recap

They walked down the regularly dark hallways of the lair until they closed door with light seeping out the bottom. 

"Perfect." Kikai was glad she'd found someone. She was about to open the door when Fuyu interrupted.

"Onee-chan, isn't that rude? You shouldn't just barge in. What about the saying 'A closed door means privacy'?" 

Kikai thought for a minute. "Never heard that saying." And besides there aren't any other girls here besides us. What are you thinking you little pervert, they're all guys. _Straight _guys. As in they like chicks. As in --"

"OK, ok i get it!" Fuyu stopped her again. "There's no privacy here, ne?"

"I would know firsthand." Kikai grumbled. Fuyu raised her eyebrows. Kikai's response was automatic. "Shut up."

Kikai gave the handle a jiggle. _Locked_. Her sister gave her a weary look and she just rolled her eyes. Kikai twisted as she lifted one foot from the ground and kicked the door, breaking the lock and throwing the door flying open. Instantly she was splattered with blood. She twitched; knowing before actually having to find out _who_ was in the room.

"GOD DAMN IT HIDAN!" she shouted.

"Hitoame-kun is something wrong?" Kazuku asked. He had surprised Kikai; he had just sort of ... appeared.

"Wha-? Why?" Kikai was confused. Hidan and her always got into fights and arguments of all sorts; what was wrong with her yelling at him now? Why would something be 'wrong' with her losing her temper on their bajillionth argument? It wasn't unusual for Hidan or herself to begging yelling insults at each other before they'd even made eye-contact. 

"You look ...stressed and -- forgive me -- but a mess. Your clothes are ... well"

"I..._know_." She tried to hold in her anger, "Listen, can you get Hidan or..."

"Hidan's in the middle of a 'ritual' " he rolled his eyes at the word, "and -- as much as I'd like to -- I can't ...er...don't iwant/i to try to get him out of it... or listen to him complain once I do. So, can _I_ help you with...uh, what was it?"

"Fuyu can't open her orange." _and neither could Sasori, or Zetsu, or Tobi, **or**_ _Deidara_.she mumbled. "Will you give it a try?" He already had one of the oranges in his hand; he'd picked it up with a few of his creepy threads and was studying it.

"I'll try." He mumbled and Kikai somehow knew he wasn't going to be the one to open it. Suddenly, thousands of black threads rushed from his hand, startling Fuyu, but Kikai stood perfectly still as the man pierced the orange. "It doesn't have a heart." Was all he said. And was that disappointment Kikai heard?

"We weren't asking you to find the orange's _HEART_!" Kikai shouted, now totally annoyed -- could _no one_ open an orange! "We just wanted you to _open_it..." She paused, trying to regain her composure, but after a long five seconds, decided she wouldn't need it to talk to Hidan. She hastily pushed past Kakuzu, a new orange gripped in her hand. "HEY YOU!" She shouted as she crossed the room.

"Kakuzu, i thought i told you to wait, I'm almost finished dammit!" The man with silver hair and an overly large triple-bladed scythe sticking out of his chest knelt in the middle of a circle with a triangle inside of it. His voice carried a hint of annoyance; Kakuzu hated having to wait for Hidan's rituals to finish. Kikai looked around the room. It was splattered with blood. She spat on the ground in disgust. She hated this guy more than hell itself.

"It's not Kakuzu you idiot." She lashed out immediately, her tone carrying her loathing.

He instinctively flinched at the familiar sound of the female's voice, but opened his eyes -- scowling -- and mumbled something.

"What'd you say!" Kikai growled back.

"_I said_" he emphasized his words slowly and with years worth of hate and frustration "I hate all you damn women."

"Do you _really _thing i give a damn what you like or dislike!" She made a sound between a sigh and a growl and pinched the bridge of her nose in an attempt to calm down. "No, as a matter of fact you know I don't give a damn."

"Why the hell are _you_ even in here? Didn't that bastard Kakuzu tell you? I'm in the middle of a fucking ritual?"

"Not soon enough! Look what you did!" She gestured to her blood-stained clothing. "I've got _your _damn blood all over me! It's disgusting!" Her voice raised, looking in disgust at herself.

"Oh, just fucking deal with it!" He spat back. "Now what ido/i you want!"

"Oh . . . what _did_ I come here for?" Kikai's unintentional (and sometimes frequent) 'memory loss' constantly annoyed two people: herself and whoever she was talking to. It wasn't one of her favorite moment's as a blonde [a/n:wow that sounds sketchy...

"Are you serious!" He was now getting up, his self inflicted wound: gone. weapon in hand.

"K-ki-kikai-chan?" the fearful voice of a now timid Fuyu came from the doorway where she stood peeking around Kakuzu [a/n: cuz he's fat...no jk.

Kikai smacked her forehead. "Now i remember! Fuyu c'mere!"

Fuyu gasped and shook her head, hiding further behind Kakuzu.

"Oh, come on! He's just a big dumbass." Kikai took a stab at convincing her sister while intentionally insulting Hidan in the process just for the hell of it.

Fuyu shook her head again as Hidan objected to his stupidity.

"Fine then. Throw one over here." Kikai was slightly pissed off with her sister. _Chicken_. She rolled her eyes. She caught the orange [a/n: haha katana i can catch...oranges and, holding it her fist, thrust it towards Hidan and stopping centimeters before his face. He didn't even flinch. "Open it." She demanded "and I swear, if you don't I'll fucking kick your ass."

"Fine." He spat with anger. Snatching the orange out of her hand and tossing it a few feet in front of himself, Hidan swiftly swung his triple-bladed scythe and sliced it in half. Both halves fell side-by-side with a gentle thud. Hidan studied the top-most blade on his frightful weapon in disgust. His tongue flicked out to taste the tangy juice left on the blade and his scowl deepened. Throwing his scythe down angrily and walking over to the two orange lumps he suddenly burst out "Filthy piece of shit! DIE!" and began violently stomping on and squishing the orange halves. Fuyu sweatdropped, but Kikai twitched, her anger level risen far beyond normally possible.

" '_FILTHY PIECE OF SHIT_ ' MY ASS HIDAN!" she fumed, storming towards him. "I'm gonna beat you senseless! Don't you even think about _ignoring _me you bastard!"

Distracted from his orange-smashing by Kikai's comment, Hidan turned around, "_YOU_? Beat _me_ senseless? I'd like to see you try bitch!" He taunted, voice and temper rising. Both shinobi began walking towards eachother.

"_ALL_ you had to do was open a damn orange! And _what_ did ja do? YOU SMASHED IT!" She continued to fume.

"What the fuck would _I_ gain by sacrificing an _orange_!"

"I was asking you to _open _it not sacrifice the fucking thing! What the fuck did I think I was doing asking a dipshit like ,_YOU_ to open an orange!" She shouted, angrily running a hand through her hair.

"_I'm_ the dipshit! Why can't you open it? _Who's_ the dipshit, now?" His insults only fed her flames ... and continued the shouting match. 

Unable to come up with a come a comeback, Kikai went in for the kill. Her kick that was aimed for his head along with that cocky mouth of his suddenly halted. Kakuzu had extended his arm and prevented the continuation of the fight and The blonde's death kick -- unfortunately for Kikai. Because her momentum was stopped so suddenly it caused her to loose her balance. With a small squeak Kikai's world turned upsidedown and her head, just barely above the ground. Scowling, she glared at Kakuzu from across the room, he answered with a simple shrug. She wriggled around to face Hidan, causing her shirt to fall downwards and over her head to further reveal her...er...torso. 

Hidan raised his eyebrows, Kakuzu might just have been blushing, and Fuyu sighed and shook her head -- her sister _had_ always been easy to anger -- Fuyu had been the target of that wrath one too many times.

"Oooo. Interesting choice of colors, shorty." Kikai heard Hidan's annoying voice as she struggled to fix her shirt, only tangling it more.

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING _SHORT_, YA FAT ASS!" she continued to lengthen their battle despite her '_disability_'.

"Red and black? Your boyfriend's favorite colors?" He teased, commenting on her underwear selection.

Realizing only now what he was talking about, Kikai struggled more from Kakuzu's grip and her shirt was finally forced back into place. Her arms crossed crossed over her chest in embarrassment and frustration. "God dammit Kakuzu, put me _down_!"

"Go ahead Kakuzu," Hidan seemed unusually spur-of-the-moment-kind. "Shorty wants to be on the ground again. She's afraid of heights." '_Well there goes that spur-of-the-moment-kindness_'

"I'm not putting her down until you stop teasing her. You're going to be killed -- if not by her, then by Itachi -- and I'm not going to be the one sewing your limbs and whatnot back on you." Kakuzu protested

"We all know very well I'm _immortal_ dumbass."

Annoyed with being ignored for the sake of their mini side-fight -- and still upsidedown -- Kikai twitched, fuming with anger. "Will you _just_ put me the hell _down_ Kakuzu! I came here to get an orange open, not fight with that jackass!" Kikai wriggled once again and emphasized dramatically whith her hands as she shouted.

"Fine then." Suddenly Kikai was dropped to the ground, letting out a short shout as she collided with the floor. Kakuzu's arm retracted as he continued to complain, "_You didn't come here to fight with him_ but that sure as hell didn't stop you from starting a fight with him." He turned around to show the girls the way out.

"And it _sure_ as hell won't stop me from _ending_ one!" Before anyone could act to stop her again, Kikai swung her right fist towards the side of Hidan's head. The harsh sound of knuckles connecting with skull made Fuyu and Kakuzu flinch. Kakuzu immediately spun back around, looking _slightly_ ticked.

"Damn you, bitchy runt--" Hidan didn't get to finish his insult before Kikai brought her knee swiftly up between his legs. Almost instantaneously he crumpled to the floor, curling up and whimpering (followed by much cursing) in pain. Then, most comicly Kikai stepped on him repeatedly, a red 'mad' vein forming on her head as she held her arms in a downwards 90 degree angle.

Getting much pleasure out of having to'iget down to his level/i' after having her lack of height pointed out by the very man she hated like a brother, Kikai glared dominantly and growled "_Don't_. Call. Me. _Short_." Kakuzu gaped in horror at the man that had been so proud of being _immortal_ only seconds ago, undoubtedly Kakuzu would have guessed that now he was wishing for death.

"T-that was cheap asshole." Hidan grumbled at his opponent.

Kikai glowered at him, inches from his face, her death glare nearly matching that of her boyfriend's. "I thought by now you'd know, Hidan...I play by my _own_ rules." Her voice carried a threat that said: 'I don't need my boyfriend to beat the living shit out of you, for I am a kunoichi, a kunoichi formerly of Konoha and currently of the Akatsuki, and i can kick your ass _anyday_.'

Finally coming back to his senses, Kakuzu crossed his arms, a disapproved look on his face. "Had your fill _yet_ Hitoame?" 

Cheerfully turning around and dashing to her sister's side, Kikai answered the rhetorical question, "Yup, I'm good!" She sounded carefree and happy _now_. The glare from seconds ago already replaced with a wide victory grin. "Bye Hidan! Have a nice day!" She waved enthusiastically. As soon as the sisters stepped out of the room the door slammed shut. Kikai and Fuyu looked at each other before bursting out laughing as they began to walk down the hall in search of some who had enough brains to open an orange.


	4. Awkward moments

"Only two other people we can ask." Kikai pointed out as soon as they'd finished laughing. Frowning as she looked at the bag of oranges Fuyu held "We may never get those open...maybe we should have brought pineapples" she paused, thinking of the hell and havoc it would cause to have purchased pineapples instead of oranges. "Or maybe we should have just stuck with apples and grapes. It looks like opening fruit is a mystery the S-class kick ass shinobi criminals of Akatsuki just can't solve." The girls sighed as one.

As the turned the corner, they nearly ran into Kisame. Fuyu's eyes sparkled. '_Oh dear kami. Not again_' Kikai thought rolling her eyes.

"Kisame-san!!" Fuyu attached herself around the shark-man's waist – as high as she could reach.

"Fuyu-kun!!" Kisame stooped over to hug her back and Kikai mumbled something about excusing herself to go throw up as an after-effect of their joy party. It was just too much unneeded happiness, she complained.

Coming back to sanity (or the bathroom in Kikai's case) Kisame realized he had a message to transfer to the wrathful looking blond shinobi. "Kikai-dono, Itachi-san asked me to find you. He said you two weren't done training yet and he really wanted to finish"

Kikai turned several shades of red until she reached the color of a tomato. The look on her face was an expression of pure terror. Fuyu tried to stifle her laughter while Kisame stood there, looking quite confused. "Tell that pervert he can go screw himself for all I care" She said, lower lip stuck out in a defiant pout as well as turning the color of Itachi's sharingan.

Kisame looked uneasy. "I'm not sure I'd live through that Kikai..."

He now looked back and forth between the two sisters several times. Fuyu continued to laugh and, getting fed up with her sister's snickering, Kikai turned back around and whacked her little sister in the back of the head. Fuyu only laughed harder. These two were definitely a strange pair; they were so alike and yet so very, _very_, almost impossibly different. They were a strange pair alright.

"Kikai please," Kisame pleaded, "don't make me go back empty handed."

Between gasps and giggles Fuyu managed to get out "Y-yeah Kikai, ya don't to have any _unfinished business_" she burst out in laughter again. Frustrated, Kikai lovingly kicked her in the butt. Her sister sure had their father's humor, if only their parents were alive to hear it...Kikai decided she'd have to enjoy her sister while she stayed with her before having to escort her back to Konoha for another month with two her younger brothers. What a hell that day would be.

Blushing now going down to a pink that stretched only across her cheeks and pouting once again she said "whatever, I'll come with you..." Kisame breathed a sigh of relief "...under one condition" Kikai bargained, smirking. This conversation was turning in her favor.

"Huh?" Kisame was a little surprised. "one condition?" Kikai was nodding before he was finished.

"Yeah, ya gotta at least _try_ to open this orange...c'mon! For Fuyu!" Kikai added after seeing a bit of regret on his face. But she knew he'd do nearly anything to avoid facing Itachi's wrath if he came back empty-handed. Sighing, he agreed. Kikai began to lead the way.

"W-wait! You _know _where he is?" Kisame looked up from the orange to Kikai.

"Uh...yeah." her tone was that of one who speaks to an idiot.

Kisame gave up. This chick was strange. Unpredictable. And way too random. For instance, the only reason she forgot things so often was because even _she_ couldn't follow her own thought track. It was pointless trying to follow along.

Itachi sat in a blossoming sakura tree and at a glance it looked as if he was patiently waiting, but in reality it was quite the contrary. He'd been up and down, sitting, standing, walking, pacing. Kikai and he _had_ been training, then it got ... er ... i_rough_/Ii_._a/n: nd by 'rough' I mean ...um...lemony rough... And Kikai had left saying she'd bring back a surprise. Sadly the 'surprise' he was so impatiently waiting for wasn't what Kikai had originally planned nor something he wanted. He abruptly stopped pacing. Itachi thought he had heard voices. Angry, frustrated, pissed-off voices.

"How the hell do you expect me to open this thing!?" That voice he was familiar with, it was most certainly the voice of his aggravated Akatsuki parter, Kisame.

"How the fuck should _I_ know? I've only asked every dick-brain in this stupid...stupid cult!!" _That_ voice Itachi knew i_very_/i well. He'd heard it yell, laugh, cry, moa–. He stopped his thoughts so he could focus in on the rest of their conversation.

"You know you're _in_ this 'stupid cult'. Sorry to inform you!" Itachi could tell Kisame was trying to not lose his temper...

"Yeah, and I'm fucking sorry too! Sorry you're so fucking dumb!" ...whereas Kikai sounded like she'd _already_ lost it. '_Like she's been talking to Hidan_' He thought. Luckily they were getting closer. It wouldn't take long for him to stop their arguing.

They were close enough now that Itachi could hear Kikai's little sister – only by 4 years – trying to calm her sister. "Kikai! Stop swearing! You have such a dirty mouth."

"Don't even get me _started_ with YOU." Itachi chuckled, imaging the look of pure wrath on Kikai's ever-changing-emotion-filled face. His laughter seemed to have distracted Kikai because the fighting had stopped.

"Over here Kikai!" He called out.

Kikai felt as if the world had been lifted off her shoulders. If Itachi couldn't open this damn orange...maybe oranges weren't _meant_ to be opened ... only poisoned, pierced, and sacrificed.

"Screw this, it's unopenable!" Kisame shouted with his final attempt at orange opening with his Samehada. No matter how many times his shark-skinned sword had cut through flesh and whatnot, it bounced right off the orange. His outburst threw the world _back_ onto Kikai's shoulders.

"God dammit Kisame! You're going to keep at this until it fucking opens!"

"Kikai, how did and hour away from our 'training' turn you from a sweet-mouthed woman into a trash-talking man?" Itachi teased his girlfriend.

"That's not funny!" Kikai whined, then decided to tease him. "Oh. By the way, Hidan likes my underwear." She had to stop herself from bursting out laughing when she was his expression to _that._

"Ah, that explains it all." He smirked, "the reason why you're late and why you have such a filthy mouth...So tell me Kikai how far did you two go? Any farther than we have?"

She blushed, embarrassed and angry. "You only got _one_ of those two predictions right."

"Ok, so now I just need to figure out the reason why you have such a dirty mouth." Itachi teased her, knowing she'd never betray him.

"Whaaaaaa—!? N-no!_That's_ not what I mean! You perv!!"

He chuckled againand 'poofed' only to appear behind her, wrap his arms around her waist, and rest his chin on her shoulder. "So..." He whispered into her ear, "What about my surprise?" She felt him nibble on her ear and flick his tongue out to make her shiver; she did, letting out a small 'eep!'.


	5. Where oranges are Opened!

The bright morning light flickered through the curtains of Itachi and Kikai's bedroom. Itachi groaned, covering his eyes with his hand as he attempted to roll onto his side; so that his back would be towards the beckoning light. Unfortunately; he found that a certain someone had attached themselves to his chest and mid-section, forbidding freedom.

He groaned again; this time from the urgent feeling in his southern region. Cursing under his breath, he squirmed in Kikai's steel grip. "If you don't let me go… I'll molest you." He murmured just above a whisper; what was he hoping for, that she'd actually hear him. Itachi rolled his eyes and let out a frustrated sigh. "Itachi…" Kikai mumbled in her sleep. Suddenly Kikai's hand began to wander from its resting spot, on his stomach, downwards towards his southern part.

"No, no, no." Itachi growled, catching her hand. He enlaced his fingers with hers and rolled her onto her back, leaning over her sleeping frame. "Now, I know you're not asleep." He coed into her ear. Itachi felt her body twitch, and he knew she was fighting not to grin.

Slowly, he leaned his mouth to hers; keeping his lips just an inch away from hers. "Good morning, beautiful." He teased, his voice sugar coated with sweetness. Kikai made a small noise, still pretending to be asleep. Itachi kissed her tenderly on the lips, and when that failed to shake her, he moved his lips down her neck. His breath tickled her sensitive skin, "Okay! Okay! I'm up, I'm up!" Itachi smirked in victory, still not pulling away. Kikai wrapped her arms loosely around the aroused man's neck, "Good morning." He pressed his lips against hers, making a small moan as his tongue began to massage hers. She tilted her head away from his, disconnecting the tempting kiss. "You have work today. And you're gonna be late if you don't get dressed soon." She smiled cheekily. He let out a unhappy grunt, knowing she was right. "Fine." He muttered some-what bitterly as he rolled off of her.

Kikai watched from the bed as he gathered his usual black suit from the closet. He turned around to face her, causing a massive pink blush to cross her face in an instant. His winning smirk crept onto his lips; pleased with her reaction to him. She looked away, trying to find something else to occupy her mind. Though, it was a losing battle. Her sapphire eyes kept glancing back against her will; though Itachi was loving every minute of it. "Which boxers should I wear?" He inquired, teasing of course. He had in his right hand; a black pair with red clouds decorating it. Kikai had always pondered where he got such unusual boxers. Though, in his left hand, were a pair of satin red ones. "The satin." She mumbled, still trying to keep her eyes from him. "Alright."

Once Itachi had finished dressing, he left the bedroom for the kitchen. Kikai let out a tight sigh of thankfulness. '_I thought I was gonna lose it…' _She thought to herself, '_I'm too tired now… Damn him for wearing me down…' _Reluctantly; she left the warmth of the bed sheets and followed after Itachi.

The young man had just finished setting up the coffee pot and was now leaning casually against the kitchen counter. Just as Kikai was about to sit down; a sudden knock on the front door stopped her. "Ah. Probably Rentaro." She smiled brightly, heading down the hallway.

Abruptly, Itachi stepped in front of her. "What's wrong?" She inquired, a puzzled expression upon her face. "What if it's not? You're not answering the door in just a night shirt." Itachi sent a glare which caused her to retreat with a nod. With that, he turned to the door and peeked out the little eye-hole. Of course, Kikai was correct. He saw a messy head full of black hair with dark navy highlights embedded into most strands.

"Hello, Rentaro." He greeted as he opened the door to let her in.

"Itachi." She spoke simply before almost running him down to get to Kikai.

"Sorry about that, boss." Deidara appeared in the door way, smiling nervously. Itachi chuckled, shaking his head in a dismissing manner. He let Deidara in.

The girls had already made it over onto the couch, giggling to themselves about something that Itachi couldn't understand. Deidara and Itachi went into the kitchen; still waiting for the coffee to finish brewing.

"I should warn you, boss. Kikai's about to throw a fit." Deidara whispered low, in case the girls were listening. Itachi cocked a brow, "What?"

Suddenly Deidara's prediction became reality. "OH MY GOD! HE'S SO CUTE!" Kikai could have been heard half a mile away. Itachi's eyes widened when Kikai came running around the corner and into the kitchen; a black thing in her arms. "What is it?" Itachi stared blankly.

"It's a puppy, Itachi! His name's Baxter! Deidara bought him for Rentaro!" Kikai almost squealed; excitement shimmering in her eyes. Itachi, however, did not look pleased. "Why is it in my house?"

"Lighten up, Uchiha." Rentaro's spoke up as she walked into the kitchen. Itachi ignored her presence, "Get it out of my house." "That's not fair! It's just a little puppy!" Kikai whined; hugging the black fur ball close to her chest. "I don't care." Itachi's voice was harsh.

"Fine… But only if I can have a puppy!" Kikai grinned brightly. Itachi took a deep breath, "Absolutely…" Kikai's eyes brightened, only to fade to sadness quickly, "NOT."

"Why?!" She squeaked, "That landlady says we're allowed pets!"

"She may allow it, but I do not." He growled, causing the pup to shiver.

"Please, Itachi! I'll never ask for anything else! I promise! Please! Please!" Kikai begged, holding the puppy up to empathize the cuteness.

"NO!" He bellowed severely. Deidara cringed, Rentaro glowered, and Kikai shrunk back into a small ball around Baxter.

With that settled, he made his way to the front door; picking his briefcase up on the way. "Itachi!" Hikari trailed after him like a puppy herself. "I hate pets." His voice hissed, forcing her to stop. She wasn't about to push him any further. He didn't even bother to say anything else, he merely opened the door, stepped out into the hall way, then slammed it. Kikai was left alone in the hallway with a whimpering Baxter.

Rentaro suddenly appeared behind Kikai, placing her hand on her best friend's shoulder. "Don't worry. I got a plan, pussycat." She winked with a mischievous grin. Kikai blinked for a moment, handing Baxter to her. Without saying anything, Rentaro headed out with the pup. Deidara jogging to catch up.

* * *

A few hours later, Kikai heard a knocking at the front door again. Itachi wasn't home from work yet, and Kikai was just finishing testing a new game that UbiSoft had released two days before. Curiously, she got up from the living room floor and peeked out the little eye-hole. Rentaro stood suspiciously looking over her shoulder every few seconds.

"You didn't kill someone, did you?" Kikai asked as Rentaro pushed passed her when she opened the door. Frightfully, Kikai's voice was very serious.

Rentaro rolled her eyes, "No, stupid."

It was then that Kikai noticed the large bulge in Rentaro's jacket. "Did you kidnap a child, Ren?" Again, Rentaro rolled her eyes indicating a 'no'.

The purple eyed girl plopped down onto the floor and opened her jacket. Two fur balls tumbled out. Kikai recognized the one as Baxter, but the tan one was new to her. "Meet your new puppy!" Rentaro grinned.

She gasped, falling to her knees and picking up the little bundle of fur. "It's so cute!"

"She. She's so cute." Rentaro continued to grin, hugging Baxter. "That's Baxter's sister." "But if Itachi finds out…" Her smile faded as she held the pup. Ren smirked, "He won't. Don't worry. Just enjoy it, geesh."

So the two girls played with their puppies. Kikai had decided on naming her pup; Sheila. Rentaro had picked up some toys on the way, so they played with the squeaky toys; though the puppies were a little too small to be running around everywhere.

* * *

All their peacefulness shattered within seconds. Rentaro heard the door knob turn and footsteps. "Shit." She muttered. Kikai froze up. Quickly, Rentaro spotted one of Kikai's book bags. She snatched it up, and stuffed Sheila inside, zipping it up enough so the pup still had a little air. She then tossed it, like it was on fire, to Kikai. She squeaked as she caught it and held it protectively to her chest.

There was no need to hide Baxter though, so Rentaro didn't bother. "It's still here?" Itachi glared as he tossed his jacket onto the recliner. "Y-Yeah." Kikai gulped. Itachi raised a brow, looking at Kikai suspiciously.

Ren spoke up, "You know, it's her apartment too!" Itachi automatically turned his attention to the feisty female sitting cross-legged on the floor. "Oh, it's still here too." He said dryly. Rentaro hissed spitefully, "Shut it, Uchiha." He shrugged nonchalantly, turning his attention back to Kikai.

She flinched, seeing him eyeing her. By now, his awareness was high as he gazed over the bag in her arms. "Going somewhere?"

"Eh? Oh, um, no." She squeaked. "Then what's with the book bag?" He tilted his head to the right slightly.

"It's pretty!" She smiled nervously. Itachi wasn't buying it.

Unexpectedly, a small yap came from the bag and Itachi's eyes widened fiercely. "No… You didn't… You couldn't have…"

"I didn't!" She closed her eyes tightly, "Rentaro did…" Itachi's eyes turned dark and nasty as he turned his irate gaze to the calm girl. "Rentaro…" He gritted his teeth. She kept her composed personality and pulled off an innocent smile, "Yes?"

Before either could attack each other, Kikai stood up and opened the bag; taking Sheila out. "I'm sorry, Itachi. I'll give her back…" She sighed, letting the book bag drop to the floor and holding the confused puppy out. "No dice. Can't take it back. Already bought it. You're stuck with it." Rentaro spoke quickly. Itachi only became more enraged.

There was a apprehensive silence between the three. Kikai didn't make eye contact with either of them, she just stared down at Sheila; who was staring confused up at her.

Itachi let out a rough sigh, "Fine. One week." Both girls gave him a perplexed look.

" Kikai can keep it for one week, in that time Rentaro will find a place for it. If she is unable to find a place for it, we're kicking it out." He spoke as if the end part of his sentence was no big deal. It was then Rentaro's turn to make up for her mistake, "Deal. I'll see if Deidara will let us keep her for a bit."

"Thank you, Ren-Ren!" Kikai bounded into her best friend's arms. Rentaro was more then pleased. Itachi, nonetheless, looked more then annoyed. "Oh. And thank you, Itchy!" She went to hug him, but was stopped by Itachi placing his hand up. "Do not. I repeat, **do not **come near me with that thing." She gulped, nodding.

About a week later, Deidara had finally caved into Rentaro's demand that he take in Sheila. Surprisingly, the week had passed without incident. Kikai was very good at taking care of Sheila, and as long as they stayed out of Itachi's way, no one got yelled at.

"You can visit her whenever you want." Ren smiled as Kikai handed the pup to Deidara at the door. "Or, we'll bring her by." Deidara smiled slightly.

Itachi was leaning against the wall, glaring dimly. "It shall never enter my house again." He warned, overly serious. Deidara swallowed hard, "Yes, boss."

With a some-what sad face, Kikai said her farewells to the pups until the next time they would meet.

With a sigh Itachi headed into the bedroom, "I'm tired."

Kikai was right on his heels, "I hope you're not too tired." She giggled naughtily.

Itachi cocked a brow, throwing his dress shirt off. "Oh? Why's that?" He inquired, removing the remainder of his clothing and gliding into bed. This time; he decided to keep his boxers on.

She merely giggled as she crawled into bed beside him, slipping her shirt off over her head. Itachi eyed her intensely as she then slid herself onto his lap. "Because I wanted to say thank you for letting Sheila stay here…" She murmured, a delicate smile on her lips. "Oh? How are you going to thank my very generous behavior?" A smirk slithered onto his face.

"I… Could think of a few ways…" She mused as she leaned closer to him; her face about an inch away from his. Her hands descended very tenderly down his smooth chest. "And what would one of those ways be?" His curiosity was at its peek.

"Turn out the lights, and you'll find out." Kikai whispered seductively. The Uchiha quickly closed the gap between them; kissing her forcefully, before he then complied to her demand.

_It was a known fact;;_

_Itachi wouldn't be getting any sleep tonight._


	6. EXTRA!

Katana Uchiha, the younger sister of Itachi, layed on top of the roof on an unknown building in a backwash desert town, far from where she was soon to be headed. Arms folded behind her head and legs crossed – her right dangling carelessly in the air – Katana stared up at the twilight sky and frankly, was enjoying the one brief moment when she could be alone and away from the idiots her Aniki and Kikai (as well as herself) worked alongside.

Suddenly she frowned, wrinkling her brow. "My dobe senses are tingling." She mumbled only loud enough for herself to hear, "What stupid thing i_could_/i they be doing now?" She sighed; no moment could last forever and it was always the ones she i_wanted_/i to last that didn't. She Vaulted herself off the stone roof and back up onto her feet. "Are you ready yet?" Katana yelled over her shoulder, hands resting on her hips and still gazing in the direction of which the sun had just sunk into the earth.

"Almost." Pein shouted back, easily tossing one body onto the mountain of many.

"Is there something wrong Katana?" Konan, the 3rd female in Akatsuki, knew quite well how the other men acted when their leader left for any length of time...like complete nincompoops.

"I'm not sure Kikai's sister will be...i_sane_/i when we get back. Considering what i_normally_/i goes on." The younger girl admitted.

"Ugh. That's what I forgot." Pein groaned. "Shit. I totally forgot about that girl...If she's alive when we get back ... hmm...you dont think she happened to meet any of the members...do you?" Pein looked slightly worried, "If she has she may already have no hope for sanity." Konan and Katana sighed and nodded solemnly.

Pein tossed one last body "Are you sure I cant help you with that." Katana asked, mischievously grinning.

Pein sweatdropped "No thanks, Uchiha. I'd rather not have them i_devoured_/i."

Katana glared at him, then she teased him, sounding offended as she said, "Ugh. Disgusting! i_Devoured?_/i Like I'd eat street trash like them!" She turned away and mumbled, "I i_prefer_/i to drain the rich."

Konan laughed lightly about her audible joke. "All finished. Time to head back."

"Do you think they lasted a iw_hole_/i three days?" Katana asked, her voice portraying a little skepticism.

"Never can be sure." Pein shrugged off the question as if this was actually a i_normal_/i conversation.

"And then there's the whole 'Itachi-Kikai' situation as well..." Konan rolled her eyes and shrugged with her palms facing skyward And Pein nodded, "hmm"-ing negatively.

Katana worriedly glanced between Konan and Pein, obviously clueless to what they were talking about. "Wait. What? Nii-san? Kikai?.....Situation?"

Pein looked at her as if she was insane [a/n: which she is!!! katana! Ur INSANE!!!] "You mean...you've never......when they're....?" Pein sighed as if this was too difficult to explain.

Konan gave the Uchiha a look of surprise as well. She began explaining, "Leave those two alone for a day at the least and you can't get then to i_stop_/i going at it... especially when the get the chance to "i_train_/i"."

"Gyaa!!" Katana was shaking her head, holding her ears. "I don't need to know what Nii-san does with his free time! Especially when it involves Kikai!!"

"Anyways," Pein picked up after Katana's little fit, "I'm surprised you've never accidentally walked in on them before Katana..."

Katana continued to shake her head and block her ears. . .unsuccessfully. "I don't wanna know any more!" She whined.

"I, myself, have walked in on them many times. You see, they simply forget to sense the chakra around than and hide the enormous amounts they give off and so I simply sense theirs...."

"Wait a sec –you walk in on them on i_purpose_/i?" Konan raised an eyebrow at the interesting statement her partner had just made. "Pein I had no idea what a pervert you were." Konan continued to tease.

"I-I'm not!" He blushed in embarrassment. "It's just they're practically inseparable! It's futile telling those two to just stop, you have to take action!" Pein gripped his hand into a fist, determination sparkled in his eyes.

"Give it up. You're a pervert and you like seeing Itachi and Kikai go at it." Konan said in a bored tone.

Pein gasped dramatically "I do not!" His tone was defensive.

"I. Don't. Need. To. Hear. This!" Katana pleaded.

"You're able to recognize their chakra, right Uchiha? So just try it once. Walk in on them." Pein shrugged like it was a perfectly SANE thing to do. "It's pretty easy. Their chakra's pretty much pouring out of them. I mean, it takes a i_lot_/i of chakra to do what they – "

"Oh My God!" Katana shouted "I i_refuse_/i to walk in on my i_older_/i brotherand his girlfriend – i_my_/i friend!"

"Fine. Miss out on the only i_real_/i action we get at Akatsuki. At one point you'll be tempted...I mean, you i_gotta_/i see the things they can do with those tongues. . ." Pein trailed off.

"Gyaa! I don't need mental pictures! I don't need mental pictures!" Katana shouted in agony. This was going to be a long travel back and Katana would show Pein that Kikai wasn't the only one who could be. . .i_active_/i.


End file.
